Hellidays Part 3

THURSDAY 5TH AUGUST 2010

Yeah I know I've missed a couple of days out, but this writing every day thing is proving too much for my feeble brain! So I'll just do a quickie update.....Tuesday 3rd August - Definintely the worst day of the holidays, although today may well beat it. Darcie screamed for literally hours, eventually it turned out that she was thirsty - well I never was much good at working out why babies cry and what the hell they want! It's like having a newborn, she starts screaming and we have to think "is she hungry? is she thirsty? is she ill? has something upset her?" it's a long time since I had a tiny baby but honestly it feels like I still have one sometimes. Harvey was tired and ratty all day too which didn't help, he dozed off after lunch - yes I know 4-year-olds shouldn't nap during the day but hell it's holidays and he often doesn't sleep well at night, what harm does it do? He only managed half an hour anyway before Darcie's shrieking woke him up. She wanted to go out, but refused to get dressed, choosing instead to run around the flat half naked yelling that I was trying to kill her. No exaggeration, it took me an hour of battling to get her to to brush her hair, utterly ridiculous. Finally we escaped to the adventure playground for an hour, they had a good time but I was feeling hacked off and stressed after a tough day.

We then headed to Asda, Harv wanted to sit in the trolley and Darcie asked to push him. Initially I was pissed off with her whole attitude so said no, relenting a few minutes later. Of course by then it was far too late, Darcie had gone into a mood and decided to run away when I tried to get her to push the trolley (remember this was what she wanted to do) Asda was packed and I assumed she'd darted off to look at the toys which is her favourite hangout. I checked there, no Darcie.....walked up and down a couple of aisles, no Darcie.....that "oh my God something awful has happened" feeling built up in my chest, my hands started sweating, heart started pounding. I had flashes in my mind of someone watching her run away from me and seizing the opportunity to drag her out of the store, or her running out of the shop and into the road.....and then finally I found her. Relief + anger is never a great combination and I'll just say that the rest of the shopping trip was not a happy experience for anyone!

Wednesday 4th August 2010 - Initial plans put on hold today as it chucked down all day, is it August or November? Finally got a taxi into town after the kids lunch and hung out in the central library where there was (yet another) kids session on. Darcie & Harvey didn't really enjoy it, but we got a free hour and grabbed the opportunity to have a late lunch in the library cafe which was rather yummy. The central library is right near the uni building, Park Building, where I was based during my English course.....I remember feeling utterly and completely sick during my pregnancy with Darcie and desperately trying to find some info in the library. Dangerously close to passing out as I hadn't eaten, I headed up to the cafe for a jacket potato - I can still remember how much better that meal made me feel! I haven't eaten in that cafe since I was pregnant with her, 9 years ago. It was a real trip down memory lane, last time I shovelled food down there I had a bump, this time I had two school age children. Scary stuff huh?

The kids wanted to play on the library computers after the session had ended, goodness knows why they were so keen as we have a PC and laptop at home which they can use any time! It was still pouring down though and it killed an hour, they were happy so we were happy. I actually got to look around the library in peace and choose some books which was fab. Hired them a DVD out each (Simpsons for Darcie and predictably Postman Pat for Harvey!) then left the library and walked into town.....bought Harv a toy bus and Darcie got a fake remote control which is meant to squirt water at unsuspecting victims, but is very temperamental. Lots more moaning and acting like an idiot from Darcie in Tescos, but at least it was nearly tea time which means nearly bed time which means happiness for Simon & I!

That quick update wasn't so quick......anyway back to today! Sitting here feeling very guilty as I've been Evil Mummy this morning. Put the washing on late last night then promptly fell asleep, so had to re-wash it when I woke up, first annoyance of the day. Slept well last night though and Harv didn't wake up until 7.30am so that was good. I really needed to tidy up and put the washing out but Darcie went into scream mode, I'm rapidly getting sick of her moods. She was OK for an hour or so this morning, then as soon as I asked her to come into the kitchen to get her tablets (thyroid ones, she has to take them every morning before breakfast) she kicked off. Darcie refuses point blank to do anything I ask usually, and stood screaming in the front room - even when I say things like "OK, if you don't take your tablets then no breakfast" she doesn't snap out of it, in fact she gets worse. She draws breath and then SCREAMS as loudly as she possibly can, it must kill her throat and at times she actually loses her voice for a few seconds. Of course, I expect some resistance from her sometimes, but constantly? The more I shout, or even if I stay perfectly calm, the more worked up she gets......there is simply no way I can make her do as I ask. Taking away toys, taking away money, stopping treats, isolating her, ignoring her, smacking (go on, phone social services, yes I do smack my child sometimes, yep I'm going to hell) yelling, embarrassing her, nothing works. Simple things like taking her tablets lead to an hour of battling, before I finally give in to her and agree to staying in a different room while Simon escorts her to the kitchen so she can get them herself. I was stressed with her, shouted at her, said horrible things and meanwhile Harvey was pestering me to make an igloo. I rarely feel properly cross with him but I snapped when he insisted on stealing a freshly washed duvet cover to make the sodding igloo with. I was horrible to him and am now feeling truly evil. I think he's forgiven me but I feel awful as he wasn't the one who started this whole thing this morning. It's Darcie who winds me up so much, her who refuses to do anything I say, who tells me which rooms I can and can't enter in my own flat, her who screams at me until she's purple for no reason. She resents every breath I take, hatred oozes out of her and it's awful. All Darcie wants is to be in my position so she can control everyone, she wants to isolate me and drive me away from my own family. It sounds ridiculous and unbelievable but it's true, my daughter detests me because she honestly thinks I won't let her be an adult and have everything her own way. I'm fighting a battle I can't ever win and I'm constantly exhausted because she's so impossible. Today she screamed at me that she doesn't want to live with me and wants to live anywhere else but here with me. I do my best, I try and make things nice for her and this is what I get. I seriously thought I was going to do something awful to her, so I put her outside the front door, she was only wearing a pair of knickers at the time! Luckily it's not actually outside, just a communal hall/ stairway (the beauty of living in a flat I guess, outside the front door isn't truly outside!) it's always quiet and so nobody saw, there was no real danger. It was either that or throwing her out of the window! That didn't work, she's still in a mood......I know she's been at home for 3 weeks already and she misses her friends, but I won't be blamed for that. I just don't know what to do with her and I have another month to get through.

Anyway better do some cleaning up then sort some lunch.....then take the kids out somewhere before we all go totally insane!