Putting the Hell in Helliday

Not an official Helliday update, planning on doing a proper entry later.....just sneaking on here as I need to vent! As the title suggests, my kids are truly putting the Hell in Helliday today, god I just want to stand in the middle of a field and SCREAM! Yes I am insane, but they've made me this way!

It was going okay-ish, the end is in sight, nobody has been serious injured either accidentally or otherwise.....but suddenly I've lost the plot. Just over a week to go which isn't too bad, but it honestly feels like these holidays are never going to end. Harvey has been bugging me since 5.45am today, normally it takes a lot for me to get annoyed with him but he's stressing me out. He simply will not leave me alone, I can't get anything done and it's so frustrating. I feel so incredibly guilty about snapping at him as I absolutely adore my little boy, he's so sweet, so loving and best of all he willingly spends time with me! All I get is blind hatred from Darcie and it's wonderful that Harvey and I have such a good relationship. He's fantastic but Jesus is he wearing me out at the moment. I know he's bored, worried about school, and upset by the constant battles with Darcie, but........as I said I hate myself for getting cross with him and making him sad, but I just wish he'd leave me alone for a little while. I keep thinking that when he's at full time school I'll miss him so much and that I should make the most of now, but it's just so hard.

As always Darcie is the main problem. There is just no let up from her moods at the moment, it's like a nightmare. Today I could honestly flush her down the toilet, she's just soooooo impossible. She enjoys staring at me until I look at her, then yelling "what are you staring at?" just an attention thing I know, but so rude. I'm constantly accused of plotting to murder her, suffocating her, strangling her, hating her, it goes on and on. She's so unpleasant it's unreal. I'm screamed at almost every time I walk into my own front room, and she stamps her feet constantly like a bloody demented toddler.

And I'm meant to buy her an X box - NO WAY IN HELL CHILD!!!! And no, you're not getting an iPad for your birthday either, in fact it's increasingly unlikely that you'll survive until your birthday.

Simon has cooked cheese on toast for me so I'll say bye for now, but I'll be back with more ranting soon.........on the positive side I do feel a bit better now.

Hellidays Part 5

Good girls go to heaven, bad girls go to London......I noticed an oriental woman wearing a t-shirt with that slogan in Asda a few days ago, and think it's fantastic. I spent the rest of my shopping trip chuckling to myself and got some very odd looks!

WEDNESDAY 11TH AUGUST 2010 - EYE DAY

I mentioned in my previous post that my mum & I were taking the kids up to London for the day, so we could go on the Eye. Harvey was bursting with excitement about this planned event, and I was rudely awoken early on Wednesday morning by him literally jumping all over me and shouting that "Eye day" was here at last - he made it sound like he was due to have a horrific eye operation but fortunately it was a slightly more pleasant experience.

My darling mother had planned the outing with military precision and I was as always in awe of her organisational skills. Despite being very wary of the internet (she points out regularly that when I innocently use thetrainline.com to find out train times, etc. I might actually be chatting to a raging serial killer intent on hunting me down, slicing me open from top to bottom and boiling my vital organs up in a pan for his lunch, to give her credit I don't know for certain that the site in question wasn't created by a serial killer. The mere mention of Facebook makes my mother visibly shudder, I'm too frightened to tell her I've lied about my daughters age in order to create an account for her.) Mum managed to arm herself with a home made information sheet outlining various times and prices for our journey, all the info was acquired using those ancient methods of telephone and speaking to breathing people face to face.

After several phone conversations and heated discussion, mum and I had settled on a day and time for our trip. When she came over last Saturday we booked the tickets (in a real life ticket office, how retro) and had the day planned in minute detail, her determination and fierce expression left me too scared to confess that I was already exhausted despite Eye day still being 4 days away.

Tuesday evening saw me & my mum engaged in a final discussion phone call, she assured me that she had everything organised and so all I had to do was board the 10.20am train to London Victoria with my children in tow on Wednesday morning. Mum instructed me to position myself in the second carriage down (she never travels in the first or last carriages because apparently if you're in one of those and the train crashes then you're more likely to die, I suspect that her career as a teacher was a lie and she secretly devoted her entire working life to proving this fact) phone her on her mobile and confirm that everything was going to plan, then welcome her on board the train twenty minutes later at Chichester. She'd made herself a special bag especially for the occasion, and had food, drink, entertainment, first aid equipment and everything we would possibly need already packed. My mum finally hung up and spent the rest of her evening happily watching telly and drinking wine before curling up in her bed complete with ironed duvet covers (who the hell irons duvet covers?) and sleeping soundly. I however, spent the evening frantically rushing around tidying my tip of a flat and packing the bag that I had repeatedly assured my mum was already packed.

So, Harvey woke up full of beans on Eye day, in our bed as usual (I've given up even attempting to put him in his own bed, let's face it the kid will still be sleeping next to me when he's 13) Just as I was enjoying a few minutes with my book, I heard the devastated cries of my daughter coming from her bedroom, complete with wretched sobbing "I feeeel siiiiiick!" the words struck terror into my heart. It was like a nightmare, after developing chickenpox a week before the summer holidays started, Darcie had woken up on the one day I'd arranged something which couldn't easily be altered, ill. The little boy who lives opposite us, Lloyd, came over for tea on Sunday and promptly announced he was ill and had been sick the previous day, we were annoyed with his mum for letting him come around when he was poorly to be honest. I had a hunch he'd share his germs with our two, and it looked like my hunch was right.

It was one of those frequent times when I simply didn't know what to do. Simon desperately spooned calpol into Darcie's mouth while she sobbed, thrashed around and made suicide threats, once Harvey realise Eye day was jepordised he dissolved into tears and clung to me in sheer desperation. It wasn't much past 7am and we were faced with two sobbing children. Darcie informed me that my mum had set her alarm for 7.30am and I suspected she was already awake, but still felt it was just too early to phone (my dad isn't a morning person, a trait I've inherited along with his surprisingly short arms) Darcie looked awful and I was torn between being sympathetic and cursing her for being ill. Finally it got passed 8am and I phoned my parents, predictably my dad was groggy and less than helpful, doing what he always does in a crisis and letting my mum deal with it. Mum struggled to hide the irritation in her voice but did seem genuinely sympathetic and concerned, easier over the phone than in person I suppose. She advised waiting an hour and then seeing how Darcie was, if she wasn't fit to go then either I'd just take the sobbing red blob that was Harvey or we'd cancel completely. An endless hour later Darcie had perked up although she had a meltdown when Simon made her plain toast in an attempt to calm her stomach - plain toast is apparently more lethal than poison, cheaper too so I'm left wondering why more people don't use it to knock off their victims. She managed a couple of slices of cheese and wanted to come with us, after plenty of deliberation, screaming and insult hurling we decided to take our chances and let her go. I rapidly packed a full change of clothes for Darcie though (ha ha mother, see I can be organised!) just in case.

10.20am saw me on the correct train, in the correct carriage with the kids, feeling utterly exhausted. They ignored the expensive magazines I'd bought them for the journey, the toys on the front did keep them occupied for nearly 5 minutes though which wasn't too bad (£5 for 2 kids magazines, I remember the days when a family of four could buy a years grocery shopping for that and have a fortnights holiday in Spain with the change) Mother duly boarded the train at Chichester and all was well. Darcie had recovered well enough to scoff a packet of bacon crisps and half a packet of love hearts, Harvey refused to eat anything which is about right for him. The journey went okay, it's one I've made hundreds of times, first as student then as a mother. It took me back to my carefree student days; going home to Croydon for the holidays with a holdall stuffed full of dirty washing and a gigantic hangover, excited at the prospect of proper food and a clean bed and desperately trying to remember who I'd snogged the previous night. Ah, happy days....I'm certain they're happier in my memory than they were at the time though!

Darcie and Harvey went for several walks up and down the train and at long last we were in London. Going through East Croydon was weird, all the times I got off there, all the memories that will always be contained in that place. It was a bit like opening a memory box and then closing it again quickly, very odd. Right from being little I've always been completely fascinated with Battersea Power Station, it's so powerful (literally, being a power station) and imposing, there's something incredible about the place. It hasn't been functional in god knows how long, but I still love it - when I was a kid my mum would always be attempting to get me to look at the Thames or the bridges but I'd just stare at Battersea Power Station. Disappointingly, neither Darcie or Harvey shared my love for it, although they were very animated when they spotted an Asda out of the window.

I haven't been to Victoria train station in almost a decade, but it hasn't really changed. It was like slipping into an old coat or something, so familiar and comforting. Harvey was overjoyed to spot a Lush shop on the concourse and after paying 30p each to use the loo (next time the kids are going on the train, I don't care how disgusting the toilets are or how hard Harvey finds it to wee standing up while the train is at full speed) we headed upstairs to Macdonalds. It was heaving but we managed to somehow acquire some grub which was welcomed by my grumbling stomach (of course I didn't have the time to eat breakfast, I can't eat and get out of the flat at a reasonable time, it's impossible) My mum has a Thing about escalators going down, she refuses to use them because her eyes go weird - tedious but understandable I guess. I didn't want to be responsible for her falling and fracturing another bone, so we searched in vain for a lift, wasting valuable time. Finally a random person agreed to take mum down in a staff lift hidden behind a door while I took the kids on the escalator. After waiting for my mum for an eternity in the agreed meeting place, she appeared from a totally different direction to the one I was looking in and off we went.

Harvey was amazed to see pigeons walking around on the concourse, this is something so normal to me, they've always done that, and I didn't find it weird. He couldn't get over it though and it really tickled him, I think he genuinely believes that pigeons travel by train now, bless him. We trailed after my mum as she boarded a bus which was heading in the general direction of the Eye, and after an worryingly easy journey we were there. As we walked towards the Eye, past St Thomas' hospital (I think that's the one anyway, if you've got to be ill it must be the best hospital to be stuck in, fantastic views) the reality of just how busy London is hit me. I grew up very close to London, I was always used to being there, but I've never been anywhere as intense. I live in a fairly hectic city now, but Portsmouth is nothing in comparison. It's just indescribably frantic and everyone and everything is constantly moving. You can't stand still, it's scary and you feel kind of helpless, but at the same time it's incredible. As we admired the buses, the taxis, the proper phone boxes, the houses of parliament and Big Ben, I realised just what a fantastic place London is. Literally everywhere you look there's something else to see, and I was so excited to be showing my kids. You have to keep moving quickly though, Darcie and I frantically snapped pictures while my mum and Harvey disappeared into the distance - for once she was totally fine with me and we enjoyed taking photos of Big Ben.

I expected the area near the Eye to be packed, I've been there before, but it was tremendously busy. We fought our way to the booking hall, certain that one of the kids would end up getting lost, but miraculously the four of us all made it. Queues were snaking everywhere and time was ticking, after a mild panic my mum and I realised that the queues were in fact moving fast (of course, everything moves fast in London) and within twenty minutes or so we were £50 worse off and had four tickets in our hot little hands. My mum shunned the idea of pretending Harvey was 3 as kids under 4 go free, not sure we could have got away with it but I thought it would be worth a shot (more proof that I am indeed my fathers daughter)

More queues awaited us, and suddenly all was not well with Darcie. She went all flushed and moody (well more moody than usual) and Harvey also started flagging, mid-afternoon being his usual down time. The waiting was endless, the sun was beating down and the kids alternately whined and sulked. I tried to persuade Darcie to have some calpol but she refused point blank (mum, stop it, you are sooooo embarrassing! is she 8 or in fact a hormonal teenager?) my mum paid hideous amounts of money for bottles of coke hoping that would cool Darcie down, despite me instructing her not to as my precious daughter had refused the juice we had with us, thus demonstrating that she couldn't truly be thirsty) even that treat didn't produce happiness, only more sulking and accusations. Sensing imminent disaster I turned my attention to my tired little boy who immediately announced that he needed the toilet. We were fast approaching the end of the line, gearing up to get into our pod where we would be suspended in mid-air for at least 30 minutes with no toilet facilities. I was faced with a dilemma; wander off in search of the toilets and risk not being able to locate my mum and Darcie again, or ignore Harvey's pleas and risk him wetting himself in the pod in front of total strangers. My mum remained unusually silent so I made the decision myself, I dashed off with Harvey in search of a bush. Usually he's willing to having a wee behind or against anything (in fact he prefers going against a green electricity box than in the nursery toilets) but there were too many people around, he was too hot, weary and ratty to help me out. I ended up tearing back to the booking hall, dashing down a long flight of stairs to the ladies loos, where I suspect I bypassed the queue. I refused to even let him wash his hands (don't worry, usually I insist on the kids washing their hands, skipping it once won't kill anyone, hopefully not anyway) and instead dragged him back towards the line, ignoring desperate cries for an ice lolly. My mum had meanwhile accosted a lovely young man and explained the situation, he'd let her and Darcie step out of the queue while they awaited our return, without actually losing our place forever. Within minutes we were in our pod and I had the beginnings of a headache that would persist for the rest of the afternoon.

To be honest, the kids didn't enjoy the Eye experience as much as I'd hoped. Harvey had been utterly convinced it was some kind of fairground ride, despite us showing him photos online. Darcie was still rejecting medicine and neither child was in a particularly pleasant mood. I made up for their lack of enthusiasm by listening intently to my mums commentary and making appropriate comments, secretly wishing I was at home with an enormous bottle of wine. It was stifling in the pod and eventually the kids settled near the lone ineffective fan with a little girl they'd befriended. I enjoyed the experience and noticed that they were actually peering out of the window and taking something in, despite Harvey being initially convinced he'd plummet to his death. My mum found some unfortunate tourists to chat to, so I admired the greatest city in the world while enjoying a few minutes peace.

When we disembarked from our pod I felt a mixture of relief but disappointment that Darcie and Harvey hadn't been overly thrilled. My mum convinced Darcie to take some calpol, and then we headed to the little park a few steps away that Harvey had been desperate to go to. I treated everyone to ice lollies (well everyone except Darcie who refused one, confirming my suspicions that she felt terrible) the park was really too crowded but Harvey was satisfied with a blue sword constructed out of modelling balloons which my mum bought him. He had a terrific time attacking pigeons with the sword while eating his lolly - as soon as it started melting though he hurled it into the Thames. The kids had money burning holes in their pockets, so we went into a little gift shop, selling traditionally tacky souvenirs. Darcie made a beeline for a teddy wearing some kind of pink cape, costing £14. I immediately informed her that ill or not, there was absolutely no way I was coughing up that amount of money for a souvenir. I at once became Meanest Mum ever known to man, while my own mum desperately searched for an alternative in order to placate her precious granddaughter. The alternative smaller bear dressed in an "I love London" jumper was a mere £6, Darcie enraged me by hurling it back on the shelf in a spoilt temper tantrum. I told her off while my mum bought the bear for me and Simon as a souvenir, angering Darcie further - she was rapidly escorted out of the shop and my blood boiled with rage.

Somehow my daughter made it back to Victoria train station alive, and we realised we had a mere 15 minutes before our train home departed. Both children ended up in floods of tears at the thought of no souvenirs, and in a mad moment of kindness I remembered the over-priced souvenir shop we'd walked past earlier at the top of the escalator. My mum hurled some extra cash at her grandchildren and waited with the bags, desperate to escape them for a few minutes I suspected. We had 10 minutes to chose and purchase something and be on the train. The indian man running the shop watched with amusement as I desperately tried to persuade my kids to pick something appropriate, cheap and long lasting in about two minutes. It was clearly an impossible task; Harvey ended up with a red london bus and taxi set costing £4.50 and Darcie got a fan (which is actually really nice) costing £6. Absolute rip off of course (I bought Harv a very similar red bus for £1 recently) but they'll hopefully keep the things they chose and they won't fall apart. Mad dash down the escalator, sprint to the barriers and then disaster struck. Put out by not having his own ticket, Harvey begged to put mine through the automatic barrier, wearily I agreed, he pushed it in and the little doors opened. He went through slowly, I tried to push through with him and the barrier closed on me. It must have been amusing but it was very painful for me - my side and bag got trapped and in a fit of anger and embarrassment I wrenched myself free, resulting in yet more pain. My mum & Darcie stiffled their giggles as I held back the tears, the only person who showed me any concern was Harvey, probably feeling guilty as he was the cause of the whole thing. He did smile gingerly at me as we boarded the train and said "beautiful you" in a typically male attempt to placate me. It worked.

The train was heaving, a final insult after a stressful day. Despite being slightly before the main rush hour, it was full of commuters, fortunately Harvey and I found two seats together when a couple of blokes got off at Clapham Junction. My mum and Darcie were sitting across the aisle in a set of six seats, squashed with four strangers, all of them suited and years younger than me. My mother proceeded to produce food, lovingly arranged in an assortment of old ice-cream tubs and tupperware boxes. The commuters glanced up from their iphones in vague amusement as mum dished out sausage rolls, crisps, ham, cheese and quiche to Darcie, motioning to the poor child to pass it across to Harvey and I. My attempts to ignore her failed, and I smiled weakly at the other passengers who returned sympathetic glances. The young bloke who had the misfortune to be sitting next to my mum mentioned that the food was making him hungry, for a horrible moment I seriously thought she was going to hand him a napkin and pile picnic food into his hands. He was the kind of guy I'd have seriously fancied a decade ago, but found myself thinking what on earth have you done to your hair? It doesn't look like it's seen a brush for a week! He was friendly enough though and happily chatted to my mum and Darcie until he escaped at East Croydon.

Harvey innocently scoffed the middle of sausage rolls and savoury eggs, and was thrilled at the tiny pot of branston pickle his granny had lovingly packed and carried around with her all day. He also gulped back my coke, and then screamed that he felt sick for a good half hour, thankfully by then most people had got off the train - for some reason our carriage was particularly empty. Darcie dozed and clearly didn't feel well, I had a burst of happiness when city turned slowly into countryside and I realised that it was nearly over, I'd survived! We left mum at Chichester, after stuffing the remaining picnic food into my bag so we'd have something to eat later on (there are times when I seriously think she believes the kids only eat when she's around) and playing a strange game in the ladies waiting room with Harvey, which I'll point out was all his idea although I suspect she enjoyed herself, she loaded us onto our train. I swear relief poured off her as we disappeared and I reckon she headed straight for the nearest off licence.

So that was London. One day when my strength has finally returned, I'll take them back, but I suspect I'll wait until they're both adults.

Hellidays Part 4

SUNDAY 8TH AUGUST 2010

Really should be scrubbing my filthy hall floor and putting the washing on, this is a desperate attempt to avoid housework! Yesterday my mum popped over and we took the kids into town, as she'd kindly promised to buy their school shoes. We've always had huge problems in Clarks with Darcie as her feet are enormous and very wide, so most styles don't fit, which generally results in her dissolving into tears. I can honestly understand that she wants pretty shoes like her friends, and feel sorry for her when she just has to have whatever fits as her feet are so wide. Something incredible happened yesterday though, for the first time ever the shoes Darcie liked best she got - they had one pair in her size and they fitted perfectly! Seriously that has never happened before, in about 7 and a half years of buying her shoes. My baby Harvey got his first ever pair of school shoes, he looks so grown up in them and I had a lump in my throat! So that's the shoes sorted thank goodness - my mother's typically organised idea of getting them now before everyone starts manically rushing around getting school stuff at the end of the holidays worked. Actually I'm feeling kind of organised about uniform this year, mainly because I'm very conscious that we have two sets to buy for the first time ever. Simon & I bought Harvey a logo jumper from the school and Darcie a cardigan just before the end of term, and I've also got Harv a couple of plain red jumpers from Tesco - am planning on getting him one more logo one and that should be enough. Lots of kids don't have the logo ones, it isn't necessary, but I like the kids to have at least one proper school jumper or cardie. Got Harv the official school PE kit too, but for some reason the secretary sold us size 7-8 which is way too big, I'll have to swap it on the first day back. Also got him a book bag which he loves, and a pair of trousers.....so much uniform to get though! We need more trousers for Harvey, a PE bag, white polo shirts, socks, plimsolls......plus more white polo shirts for Darcie (got one packet yesterday) another cardigan, PE stuff, plimsolls, socks, school bag, PE bag.......it just never ends! My mum seems to think that her school skirts from last year should fit, praying she's right and I can eventually find them!

Despite really looking forward to going shopping with Granny, Darcie still managed to have a serious case of the moodies yesterday. Mum bought us lunch then the shoes, then I bought Darcie a pen set which she was apparently desperate for.......but then the trouble started when my darling daughter decided she wanted more toys. OK, I realise that school shoes aren't much of a treat for a nearly 9 year old, but she'd also had other little bits and pieces....when I refused to buy her a ridiculously expensive Etch-a-sketch keyring thing (admittedly it was quite cool) from Wilkinson's she kicked off. I had the crying, moaning, death threats and sulking which quickly escalated to full-on screaming and incredible rudeness. It was both embarrassing and annoying, and even my mum who's officially Darcie's number 1 fan, clearly thought she was being a spoiled brat and didn't get her purse out either. It was the kind of behaviour I'd expect from a 3 year old, not a nearly 9 year old - of course shops are bursting with things designed to tempt children, but as always Darcie went over the top. I'd have honestly expected her to accept by now that, disappointing as it it, she can't always have exactly what she wants. But no, the sulks continued all around Marks & Spencer and I was so embarrassed; she only calmed down when my mum suggested a drink and cake in the cafe. Unfortunately Harvey was knackered and whiney and refused to go in, so that ended in disaster - sometimes I truly envy childless people! Finally I had the brilliant idea of heading to Lush, Harvey's new favourite shop, yep my son is a bit too feminine sometimes! The kids loved smelling all the stuff and Darcie asked me if she could buy Granny a bath bomb to apologise for her behaviour, impressed with her sudden change in attitude I agreed, trying not to laugh when she unknowingly chose "Sex Bomb" for her grandmother, not entirely appropriate but it was very pretty.

So that was yesterday, today we're having a quiet day, as I've said before I never know what to do with kids on a Sunday. Darcie went over to our neighbours for tea on Friday, Lloyd is in her year at school and they get on OK despite being very different children. I've asked Lloyd over at 4pm today, he's a bit of a psycho (in a different way to Darcie) but hell it's someone for the kids to hang out with. He's got a broken wrist at the moment so won't be able to be as destructive as usual which is a relief, the kids will probably just end up playing on the wii but it's something to do.

On Wednesday I'm taking Darcie & Harvey up to London, as they really want to go on the Eye. My mum wants to come too, which will be helpful as I'm not sure about coping with them both in London on my own, despite it being home really for me - I was born in Croydon (I'll admit that on here as hardly anyone reads this!) south London, and lived there until I moved to Portsmouth at 18. Both my kids were born in Portsmouth so this is home for them, weird in a way as neither Simon or I grew up here. We've sorted out cheap train fares (£14 adult day return which I reckon is a total bargain) but have to be back on the train by just after 4.30pm so we won't have much time in the city really. I think we'll have a picnic lunch on the train going, then head to the Eye which hopefully the kids will enjoy, hoping to show them a couple of other sights if we have time. I'm nervous about the journey (and praying Harv doesn't fall asleep on the train coming home as that'll mean we'll have him awake until midnight probably) and hope the kids behave but generally looking forward to it. It should be nice day out for us all, and I'm excited as I haven't been to London for years, not since my parents moved away from there nearly 4 years ago. I just wish we could afford to have a week or so there as there are so many places I want to take the kids to, but a hotel plus outings would just be so hideously expensive, especially this time of year. My parents always told me how incredibly lucky I was to grow up just outside London (we used to be there literally an hour after leaving home, front door to central London) but of course I didn't appreciate it as a kid, it was just normal - now I realise how fab it really was, and I wish I could whisk my kids up to London on a whim! For me, London will always mean home, I have so many memories there and Wednesday should be fun.

Anyway, back to the housework, am desperately trying to ignore the fact that my darling son is covered in chocolate spread and is happily wiping it all over his bedroom carpet!

Hellidays Part 3

THURSDAY 5TH AUGUST 2010

Yeah I know I've missed a couple of days out, but this writing every day thing is proving too much for my feeble brain! So I'll just do a quickie update.....Tuesday 3rd August - Definintely the worst day of the holidays, although today may well beat it. Darcie screamed for literally hours, eventually it turned out that she was thirsty - well I never was much good at working out why babies cry and what the hell they want! It's like having a newborn, she starts screaming and we have to think "is she hungry? is she thirsty? is she ill? has something upset her?" it's a long time since I had a tiny baby but honestly it feels like I still have one sometimes. Harvey was tired and ratty all day too which didn't help, he dozed off after lunch - yes I know 4-year-olds shouldn't nap during the day but hell it's holidays and he often doesn't sleep well at night, what harm does it do? He only managed half an hour anyway before Darcie's shrieking woke him up. She wanted to go out, but refused to get dressed, choosing instead to run around the flat half naked yelling that I was trying to kill her. No exaggeration, it took me an hour of battling to get her to to brush her hair, utterly ridiculous. Finally we escaped to the adventure playground for an hour, they had a good time but I was feeling hacked off and stressed after a tough day.

We then headed to Asda, Harv wanted to sit in the trolley and Darcie asked to push him. Initially I was pissed off with her whole attitude so said no, relenting a few minutes later. Of course by then it was far too late, Darcie had gone into a mood and decided to run away when I tried to get her to push the trolley (remember this was what she wanted to do) Asda was packed and I assumed she'd darted off to look at the toys which is her favourite hangout. I checked there, no Darcie.....walked up and down a couple of aisles, no Darcie.....that "oh my God something awful has happened" feeling built up in my chest, my hands started sweating, heart started pounding. I had flashes in my mind of someone watching her run away from me and seizing the opportunity to drag her out of the store, or her running out of the shop and into the road.....and then finally I found her. Relief + anger is never a great combination and I'll just say that the rest of the shopping trip was not a happy experience for anyone!

Wednesday 4th August 2010 - Initial plans put on hold today as it chucked down all day, is it August or November? Finally got a taxi into town after the kids lunch and hung out in the central library where there was (yet another) kids session on. Darcie & Harvey didn't really enjoy it, but we got a free hour and grabbed the opportunity to have a late lunch in the library cafe which was rather yummy. The central library is right near the uni building, Park Building, where I was based during my English course.....I remember feeling utterly and completely sick during my pregnancy with Darcie and desperately trying to find some info in the library. Dangerously close to passing out as I hadn't eaten, I headed up to the cafe for a jacket potato - I can still remember how much better that meal made me feel! I haven't eaten in that cafe since I was pregnant with her, 9 years ago. It was a real trip down memory lane, last time I shovelled food down there I had a bump, this time I had two school age children. Scary stuff huh?

The kids wanted to play on the library computers after the session had ended, goodness knows why they were so keen as we have a PC and laptop at home which they can use any time! It was still pouring down though and it killed an hour, they were happy so we were happy. I actually got to look around the library in peace and choose some books which was fab. Hired them a DVD out each (Simpsons for Darcie and predictably Postman Pat for Harvey!) then left the library and walked into town.....bought Harv a toy bus and Darcie got a fake remote control which is meant to squirt water at unsuspecting victims, but is very temperamental. Lots more moaning and acting like an idiot from Darcie in Tescos, but at least it was nearly tea time which means nearly bed time which means happiness for Simon & I!

That quick update wasn't so quick......anyway back to today! Sitting here feeling very guilty as I've been Evil Mummy this morning. Put the washing on late last night then promptly fell asleep, so had to re-wash it when I woke up, first annoyance of the day. Slept well last night though and Harv didn't wake up until 7.30am so that was good. I really needed to tidy up and put the washing out but Darcie went into scream mode, I'm rapidly getting sick of her moods. She was OK for an hour or so this morning, then as soon as I asked her to come into the kitchen to get her tablets (thyroid ones, she has to take them every morning before breakfast) she kicked off. Darcie refuses point blank to do anything I ask usually, and stood screaming in the front room - even when I say things like "OK, if you don't take your tablets then no breakfast" she doesn't snap out of it, in fact she gets worse. She draws breath and then SCREAMS as loudly as she possibly can, it must kill her throat and at times she actually loses her voice for a few seconds. Of course, I expect some resistance from her sometimes, but constantly? The more I shout, or even if I stay perfectly calm, the more worked up she gets......there is simply no way I can make her do as I ask. Taking away toys, taking away money, stopping treats, isolating her, ignoring her, smacking (go on, phone social services, yes I do smack my child sometimes, yep I'm going to hell) yelling, embarrassing her, nothing works. Simple things like taking her tablets lead to an hour of battling, before I finally give in to her and agree to staying in a different room while Simon escorts her to the kitchen so she can get them herself. I was stressed with her, shouted at her, said horrible things and meanwhile Harvey was pestering me to make an igloo. I rarely feel properly cross with him but I snapped when he insisted on stealing a freshly washed duvet cover to make the sodding igloo with. I was horrible to him and am now feeling truly evil. I think he's forgiven me but I feel awful as he wasn't the one who started this whole thing this morning. It's Darcie who winds me up so much, her who refuses to do anything I say, who tells me which rooms I can and can't enter in my own flat, her who screams at me until she's purple for no reason. She resents every breath I take, hatred oozes out of her and it's awful. All Darcie wants is to be in my position so she can control everyone, she wants to isolate me and drive me away from my own family. It sounds ridiculous and unbelievable but it's true, my daughter detests me because she honestly thinks I won't let her be an adult and have everything her own way. I'm fighting a battle I can't ever win and I'm constantly exhausted because she's so impossible. Today she screamed at me that she doesn't want to live with me and wants to live anywhere else but here with me. I do my best, I try and make things nice for her and this is what I get. I seriously thought I was going to do something awful to her, so I put her outside the front door, she was only wearing a pair of knickers at the time! Luckily it's not actually outside, just a communal hall/ stairway (the beauty of living in a flat I guess, outside the front door isn't truly outside!) it's always quiet and so nobody saw, there was no real danger. It was either that or throwing her out of the window! That didn't work, she's still in a mood......I know she's been at home for 3 weeks already and she misses her friends, but I won't be blamed for that. I just don't know what to do with her and I have another month to get through.

Anyway better do some cleaning up then sort some lunch.....then take the kids out somewhere before we all go totally insane!

Hellidays Part 2

As I said, I think I'm going to try & write something every day this summer or most days at least, this is my second summer instalment - once I start writing in this blog I find it hard to stop!! The floodgates are well and truly open.....

MONDAY 2ND AUGUST 2010

I'd booked the kids in for another activity session at our local library, the Carnegie, this morning, which ran from 10.30am-11.30am. I've already realised that these sessions are extremely popular with parents just desperate to find something for their little angels to do! The libraries are doing space themes this summer, so all the activities are based around that - stories, craft activities, etc. The main attraction for me is that Darcie & Harvey get to see other kids, a boy called Billy who's in Darcie's year at school was there today so she had someone she knew to chat to. His nan was there with him - she's officially one of the nicest people on the planet and even she looked hacked off today, probably feeling the strain of endless summer holidays!

The plan was to whisk Darcie straight up to hospital for her blood test after the library session was over, as we were told she'd have to have it done by lunchtime-ish. However, this morning a letter came from the hospital, dated days ago, explaining that the consultant Dr Wickamansurina (or something like that) had cancelled our appointment on Wednesday, it was unclear why he'd done this. Obviously with no appointment the blood test was unnecessary, which left Darcie feeling elated to have escaped it, but Simon & I confused and a bit annoyed. If we hadn't got the letter this morning then one of us would have taken Darcie all the way to hospital which is 30/45 minutes on the bus (St Marys, our local hospital, where the kids were both born, helpfully shut their childrens ward a few months ago so now we have to drag her all the way to Queen Alexandra which is a proper pain) only to be told there was no need to have the blood test. The lack of notice irritated us, so Simon phoned the hospital to complain.....initially we were meant to take Darcie for the bloody blood test last week and he phoned then to explain she had chickenpox, we were advised to take her today instead. The nurse he spoke to today made a huge fuss about the chickenpox and this was clearly the reason her appointment was cancelled - they didn't want to risk other patients catching it. Fair enough, we understand that many people in hospital waiting areas will have weakened immune systems and catching chickenpox could cause huge problems, but we feel we should have been told in the letter why they didn't want Darcie there. After being initially told we'd have to wait until December for another appointment, the nurse left a message on my mobile this afternoon saying the consultant is willing to see us on 25th August I think. So now Darcie will spend the next 3 weeks getting increasingly worked up about this blood test and appointment, aaarrrggghhh!

Brought the kids home after the library with Darcie in her usual strop because she hadn't been out long enough & Harvey moaning because he was thirsty. They stuffed themselves on hotdogs for lunch (at least while she's eating Darcie physically can't scream although she does try sometimes) and then we started doing some cooking. This is usually a very popular activity, the main attraction being that they get to eat raw cake mix, decorations, etc. and make a huge mess. While we were in the middle of it, Jo, our friend & mum to Davey who went to nursery with Harvey, phoned to see if we wanted to meet up. The kitchen was a tip and Harvey was smothered in chocolate, so we shoved the cakes in the oven and frantically rushed around trying to get organised. After generally being horrible to me all day, Darcie decided she wanted to come out with Harvey & I, despite being years older than Jo's two kids and having absolutely nothing in common with them. I finally relented and agreed to take her, leaving Simon at home to get on with his work......we headed to Orchard Park which is near the kids schools for the agreed meeting time of 4.30pm. I am hardly ever early for anything and was delighted to be there first, but after ten minutes or so began worrying that I was waiting in the wrong place! Jo turned up though, pushing her tank-like double buggy containing Davey the scarecrow child (even she admits he looks like a scarecrow) and Ellie the toddler who is hell on legs. She's quite a cute little thing when she isn't trying to run into the road, throwing things or thumping people.

The kids had a good time running around together; as I predicted Darcie was a bit old to join in properly and spent most of the time giving us a running commentary on what the three younger ones were doing. Even I admit that she was great at gate duty though, she stood guard and ensured that the nightmare child Ellie didn't achieve her ambition of running out into the road at top speed. I was also pretty proud of Darcie for not crying when Ellie whacked her on the nose and made it bleed, or thumping her back like some kids would, I was secretly amused at the sight of my giant child being beaten up by a two-year-old though! The time ticked by and eventually Harvey started flagging, I was shocked to discover it was 6.15pm. Jo showed no sign of leaving and looked surprised when I hinted that we should get going......I had a sudden thought that in a bid not to seem rude I'd end up staying in the park all night with the kids, and had already decided on the best place for us all to sleep. Eventually Jo's kids started crying/begging for food so she opted to sling them in the buggy and head home for some beans on toast. The thing I like best about her is that she doesn't make any attempt to conceal how annoying she finds her children at times, and openly admits to letting them play for hours on their own, eat things off the floor and beat each other up while she happily neglects the housework and glugs wine. That's my idea of perfect parenting, sure you love your kids but are filled with horror at the thought of entertaining them all day!

It was approaching 7 when I dragged the kids home tonight, suddenly panicing that it was virtually Harvey's bedtime and he hadn't had any tea yet! I admit a little bit of me was wondering whether I could get away with just giving him a drink and putting him to bed, I came to the conclusion that my idea was cruel, despite him having had a big lunch. My poor little boy was exhausted but valiantly munched through his tea while I made a quick dash to Asda for cheese!

So today wasn't too bad, am feeling exhausted already from entertaining them all the time and fighting Darcie's moods. I think tomorrow we'll have the morning at home as I desperately need to catch up with some washing and maybe a bit of housework if I'm feeling enthusiastic. Probably take them to the local adventure playground in the afternoon to burn off some energy.

Summer Hellidays Part 1!

I came up with the "Hellidays" rather than "Holidays" bit all on my own, doesn't quite work but I'm pathetically proud of myself as it's so true!

So......the dreaded summer holidays (or hellidays) are here. I'm feeling very odd about it all this year, it seems almost surreal.....I know that one day I'll wake up and the true horror will hit me, but until then I reckon I'll remain slightly in denial!

Last summer I took a photo of the kids (nearly) every day and put them up on Facebook as a kind of project, something to help me see the endless days gradually disappearing I think! Simon did his brilliant Beard Project; shaving right at the start of the holidays and taking a pic every day, proving to the world that his facial hair does grow freakishly slowly! My dad shaved every other day when I was a kid, and still does I think; despite having hardly any hair on his head it obviously appears rapidly on his face. I'm still stunned that Simon can go literally weeks without shaving and still not develop a full beard, look out for him in the Guinness Book of records as the man with the slowest growing facial hair! Seriously, I easily get through more razors than he does, it might be best not to discuss my shaving habits here though.....

So, as Simon has embarked on The Beard Project Year 2, I thought I should do something myself.....not wanting to bore everyone on Facebook with daily photos of my kids again, I thought about keeping a sort of summer diary within this blog. It'll be a place for me to vent, and maybe kind of cool to look back on if I survive the next few weeks! Admittedly I've failed in my task already as Week 1 is already over (thank the good Lord) but I can back date it......so here goes......

SATURDAY 24TH JULY 2010

The kids officially finished yesterday, although as I previously mentioned, Darcie missed the last week of term due to chickenpox and has therefore been delighting us with her presence for a whole week. Loads better but still very spotty, she swings between screaming to go out, and screaming to stay indoors because she's embarrassed about her spots. Eventually we got the kids ready and headed for Victoria Park, a lovely park right in the centre of Portsmouth. It's one of my favourite places to hang out with the kids, loads of space, gorgeous flowers and trees and the whole area is secluded and peaceful somehow, despite being in the town centre and slap bang opposite the main railway station! There's an animal enclosure with various birds, including a stunning peacock and the recent addition of peacock babies which are unbelievably cute. I'm definitely coming back as a peacock in my next life! There are also rabbits and guinea pigs which are constantly surrounded by hoards of grubby kids, all desperately shoving carrots, lettuce and celery at them. My own kids love feeding the animals too, and went to the park via Asda, spending a fortune on "guinea pig food" plus some picnic stuff for ourselves as well.

Several pubs in the centre of Portsmouth display old photos of Victoria Park, which I find fascinating - it's one of those places which has been around forever, and I remember seeing a framed print of women pushing babies around there in the early 1900's. It's weird thinking about all the thousands of children who must have run around there, and how different life is today.

Darcie and Harvey had a great time with the animals, then we had our picnic (well to be accurate three of us ate while Harvey fed his lunch to the goldfish who live in the fountain) they burned off some energy in the play area, which only appeared last summer, previously there were no swings, etc. which is unusual for a park but kind of nice in an odd way. Harvey enjoyed tormenting his sister on the pretend (and very cool) train, while Simon took photos and I generally lazed around eating sweets.

After a couple of hours the kids had had enough so we headed to the shops, much to Darcie's disgust - she only likes shops if she knows for certain she's getting something big and expensive. Things were going well until we entered a shop selling DVD's, wii games, etc. - Simon was browsing and as the kids were hanging around near the stairs I asked if they'd like to have a look downstairs. Darcie was moody already as apparently people were staring at her spots, and it seemed this was the final straw for her; she randomly shrieked something along the lines of "I'm so scared, you're going to throw me down the stairs again!" I was truly stunned as I'd simply asked if she wanted to look downstairs, and have honestly never thrown her down a flight of stairs in her life, although to be honest sometimes its been tempting.

Being a busy Saturday afternoon, and a popular store, the place was packed, and a woman had clearly overheard what my darling daughter had said. The woman stopped dead and looked at me with a mixture of horror and disgust, clearly appalled that I'd previously chucked my child downstairs and was preparing to do it again. I was embarrassed and simply couldn't believe what Darcie had said, we all know kids do strange things sometimes, but it was just so random. I was majorly hacked off and told her so, cue more major moods and plenty of running around generally acting like a two-year-old from my beloved daughter. The scary part though is that I think Darcie genuinely believed I was about to push her down a flight of stairs, and I'd done that previously.

As a slightly odd punishment I then ensured we spent ages in Tescos (supermarkets are apparently the most boring places on earth) and took great delight in refusing point blank to buy Darcie an iCarly microphone (£9 for a piece of complete tat, of course I'd have begged my mum for it too when I was 8) which resulted in me being crowned Meanest Mum of the Century.

SUNDAY 25TH JULY 2010

Still stinging from the previous days accusation, I was extremely reluctant to do much with Darcie - I always think Sundays are weird days for taking kids out. In fact Sundays are pretty weird days anyway, in my opinion.

My announcement that we were going to have a Quiet Day Indoors was met with screams and death threats, so we did eventually venture to a little park (the kids call it the Green Park for some reason, which always reminds me of a London Underground station) It was a long, tedious day and Darcie was in a fool mood for most of it - eventually her immature behaviour angered Simon so much that he found a "I am 2" badge which I think was Harvey's, and made her wear it while we were out. The idea was to embarrass Darcie and make her see how silly she is sometimes, but as usual the plan didn't work and she walked around with her hand clamped over the badge, moaning continuously that it made her hot. Of course a tiny badge can't possibly make someone hot, but as always Darcie was right and we were all unbelievably mean and cruel, victimising her for no reason. Okay so the badge thing might have been slightly horrible, but believe me, she deserved much worse! (like being pushed down a flight of stairs maybe....joke!)

MONDAY 26TH JULY 2010

Our local library had a childrens event on this morning, Alien Creation, which I'd read about a few days previously. Basically a craft session lasting a couple of hours, making aliens, and doing other activities - obviously other kids would be there, and I thought Darcie & Harvey might enjoy it so in an unusual burst of organisation I'd acquired two tickets for the event (although technically Harvey was too young as it was for 5-12 year olds but I ignored that)

After the usual arguments we managed to get to the library for 10.30am, and the kids really enjoyed themselves. Lots of other children were there and it was fairly well organised, I felt desperately sorry for the bloke running it though and was reminded once again why I will never, ever work with children. Darcie and Harvey made some cool aliens and it gave them something to do, signed Darcie up for the summer reading scheme afterwards although I doubt she has any intention of actually reading the books! The lovely woman organising it gave both kids funky bookmarks and stickers though, so they were pleased.

Grabbed some lunch stuff and headed home, much to Darcie's displeasure but I had an absolute ton of housework to do, and stuff to organise in preparation for the next day.....

TUESDAY 27TH JULY 2010

My mum had been offering/threatening for days to come over and collect Darcie so she could spend some time in Selsey with them. Initially we wanted to wait until we'd got a bit further into the holidays, but Darcie was desperate to go and to be honest we felt we'd all benefit from some time apart.

So today was the day, I like seeing my mum of course (just in case she's secretly reading this) but it's such hard work. She isn't overly hard work herself, all she asks for normally is cups of tea and the odd meal, but the preparation is a killer. We dash around desperately cleaning up to create the impression that housework is done regularly, and not just when she's due to come over. I've been known to hide dirty washing as I'm so ashamed of my giant tower of laundry, and random other things get hidden too. Our bedroom is the main place for shoving anything we don't want her to see, i.e. bags of dirty clothes, objects which make the place look even messier, etc. and I do my very best to ensure mum doesn't ever enter our room. The door is kept closed at all times and we often joke that my parents must wonder what on earth we keep in there. I've had to physically block my mum from entering that room and often use distraction techniques whenever I suspect she's thinking about attempting to go in there.

So after working continuously all Monday afternoon, evening, all night and the whole of Tuesday morning (well it damn well felt like that's what we did anyway) the place was just about acceptable, provided my mum didn't look at the walls, floor, windows, under any beds, or open any cupboards. By the time she and Darcie got onto the train around 3pm we were completely exhausted mentally and physically. I like to think that when my kids eventually move into their own places (hopefully sooner rather than later) they'll also spend days preparing for my visit, of course if any rooms are sealed off I'll immediately know why, and make a point of running in there the second their backs are turned!

WEDNESDAY 28TH JULY 2010

Simon, Harvey and I freely admit to thoroughly enjoying the peace whenever Darcie goes away; it's lovely not having the screams and moods although Harvey is fairly high maintenance himself in a different way. It's good knowing that Darcie's happy and enjoying herself, and horrible as it sounds, things are so much more relaxed when she isn't here.

However, I miss her. It's very strange not having my child at home with me, a very odd feeling and not one I really like. She never totally leaves my thoughts, I find myself wondering what she's doing, if she's okay, and then there's the tremendous guilt because as I said, we're happy when she's not here. It shouldn't be like that, but it is. Of course sometimes we're happy when she is at home, and the family isn't complete without her, but things are so much easier when she stays with my parents.

Harvey really, really misses Darcie, and is demanding which is hard to cope with sometimes. Simon suggested taking him to the cinema this afternoon, so we headed up to Gunwharf Quays, home to the famous Spinnaker Tower, one of the main landmarks of Portsmouth which they started building around the time Darcie was born.

We had lunch at our favourite Chinese restaurant and weighed up the pros and cons of taking Harvey to the cinema. He swayed between wanting to go, and not being overly bothered, and we were concerned about paying out a small fortune and then having him moaning that he wanted to leave after ten minutes! Harv doesn't have the concentration span Darcie had when she was his age, so eventually we decided against the cinema. Instead we took the Gosport Ferry to Gosport (obviously) only a ten-minute trip but Harvey's first time on a boat and he thoroughly enjoyed it. We had a mooch around Gosport (haven't been there for years) before jumping back on the ferry and bringing our exhausted little boy home to bed.

THURSDAY 29TH JULY 2010

A fairly quiet day today, had a lovely chat to Darcie on the phone this morning - she always phone us twice a day when she's with my parents and is lovely to talk to. I often think how young Darcie sounds on the phone, and remember that she's just a little girl still really.

Took Harv into town, popped into the library, treated him to a couple of little toys and Macdonalds for tea. He's been quite tired all day, think his first experience of a boat wore him out! He chose a Thomas the tank engine DVD from the library, soooo boring but at least it kept him occupied for a while when we got back!

FRIDAY 30TH JULY 2010

Took Harvey to Southsea on the bus today, as he wanted to see the sea! I used to live around there as a student and it always brings back some happy memories of carefree days. We took a picnic which Harvey again refused to eat, but we had fun feeding the sea with pebbles and seaweed. He's such a sweet little boy, always wanting to do things with me which makes such a change from the blatant hatred which I often get from Darcie.

We checked out the boating lake, the real swans have been replaced with little boats shaped like swans and ducks, for the sum of £6 one can pedal one of these strange contraptions around the boating lake for 5 minutes! I don't like swans but am slightly concerned about where they've gone? Harvey initially wanted a go on a duck boat, but thankfully changed his mind - I found the whole idea of attempting to control it while everyone watched frankly terrifying!

Harv played in the park and we took him in the arcades, he loves the penny machines and has a tendancy to win which infuriates Darcie whenever she's with us. We stuffed ourselves on ice cream and generally had a lovely afternoon by the sea. There's a model village nearby which Darcie is desperate to visit, plus a new splash park which simply consists of sprinklers which kids can dance around wearing swimming costumes (paedophiles dream come true) we'll go back there at some point this summer so the kids can have a go.

SATURDAY 31ST JULY 2010

Darcie came home today, my mum brought her back mid afternoon. I was very happy to see her again, and Harvey was over the moon to have his playmate back! As usual though, Darcie just about held it together while mum was here, but the second she attempted to leave the screaming started. She begged my mum not to go which upset everyone and then screamed herself into oblivion all evening. I was informed that I'm horrible and Darcie hates me and hates living here. This is the child who spent days telling me how much she missed me, and apparently pretended that a photo of me in my parents lounge was in fact a webcam and I could see her. I couldn't calm her down so she ended up screaming herself to sleep. I hate it when that happens, I feel so horrible and realise that I am in many ways a truly useless mother.

SUNDAY 1ST AUGUST 2010

Today was okay, we took the kids to the rec, a large park about 2o minutes away. They played for a bit, then we walked to Krazy Kaves, an indoor play centre which I've mentioned before on here. Harvey bumped into his friend from nursery James, who had his party at Krazy Kaves a few months ago, one of my blog entries was mainly about that party! They had fun, and then once again we headed to Macdonalds for tea. Darcie was kept busy for most of the day, so not much opportunity for screaming although she squeezed a couple of moods in.

Tomorrow is Blood Test day for her, I know she dreads these occasions and I understand why. I'd have hated it too as a kid, and I still don't like things like that. Darcie has to have blood tests and a consultant appointment every six months as she has an under active thyroid, and she's incredibly worked up about tomorrow and the blood test. I really, honestly, sympathise, but she needs to realise that people have it much worse than her, some kids spend months in hospital. Of course not many 8-year olds realise how lucky they are, but I keep trying to explain that her life isn't as bad as she thinks it is.

I hate taking Darcie for her blood test, as much as she winds me up at times, it's horrible watching someone stick needles into your child. I know it'll be over soon, but I wish it was over now.