My two daughters

Well actually I don't have 2 daughters, but sometimes it feels like I do! Darcie can be the most lovely, caring, sweet little girl and I really enjoy her company. I genuinely believe that her little brother Harvey is incredibly lucky to have such a kind, patient big sister who adores him, despite him being a complete pain in the bum at times! Although she desperately wanted a sister, Darcie accepted Harvey brilliantly and they really connected from the start. Of course they argue and I think she is jealous of him sometimes, but that's normal for siblings - they have a wonderful relationship and I'm so proud of her for being so good with him. Darcie loves being the oldest and the boss but she deserves Harvey's admiration and love, he worships her.

So there's my bright, funny, lovely daughter, and then there's the other one. I expect I'll mention this a lot in my blog, but we have major problems with Darcie. She screams, and I don't mean the occasional outburst, I mean hours, literally, of standing there screaming until she's purple. Worrying behaviour for a three-year-old perhaps, but extremely disturbing that an eight year old does this. She's always been highly strung and a bit on the "different" side, but I'm not completely normal myself! She screamed and had moods when she was younger, but over the past three-ish years it's spiralled out of control.

I won't go into it all here as there's plenty of time for all that later, but we do have a very real problem. Darcie reacts very negatively to me, and most of her anger is directed straight at me. I admit we never bonded properly at the beginning, that was confirmed for me when my son was born and I clicked with him instantly, it was much different the first time. I blame myself for most of Darcie's issues, and know I'm a rubbish mum to her, I just don't understand how we've ended up like this.

Sometimes, things are fine. This is always the calm before the storm though, we're lulled into a false sense of security and explosion is never far away. Darcie will totally flip over the slightest thing, even me simply walking into the room where she is can, and often does, trigger a screaming session. Ideally she doesn't want me near her, and as her mother this is so incredibly hurtful. I never thought motherhood would be simple, and of course I expect her to scream and shout at me sometimes, but not like this. The guilt is incredible, I carry it around with me constantly and at times she hurts me so much I feel ill. I realise I've somehow made her like this, but an eight year old shouldn't have this much anger inside them. She'll scream regularly that she wishes she'd never been born and that we hate her, I only hope that some little bit of her knows that this isn't true.

I've only scratched the surface but this is a little bit about the complex creature which is our daughter. We've had counselling previously but we're seeing someone new this afternoon, we're just praying that he or she will actually listen and understand that Darcie's problems won't be solved with a sticker chart. I honestly think she has a degree of autism/aspergers/ADHD or something, but because she behaves relatively normally at school, we don't get any proper help or understanding. I really hope the counsellor we're seeing today does something good for all our sakes.

Last night Darcie told me she wishes I was dead. That hurts, but strangely enough it hurt far more when I stood waving at her as she went to school this morning and she never waved back.