Darcie has been a worry, as she nearly always is, for a while. Yeah, she caught the tummy bug, but it usually takes a lot to put her off her food - her appetite mysteriously vanished and at first we assumed it was thanks to the lurgy. I started to panic a bit when Darcie still refused to eat much days later, she mentioned a sore throat once or twice, but swore it was better and I didn't think much of it to be honest. After not eating much and being generally miserable for days, it all got much worse and last weekend she clearly wasn't well. We realised the root cause was her throat, but despite looking awful she insisted on going to school. Of course I'm thrilled that she likes school and I'd hate battling to send her somewhere she hated every weekday, but seriously, what kid would rather be at school than home, especially when they feel rotten? Darcie had clearly kept quiet about her illness for as long as she could though, just so she wouldn't be kept off school - I find that vaguely amusing, but mainly very sad. Ultimately, my daughter would rather go to school ill to receive virtually no sympathy from strangers and struggle through the day than stay at home in the warm with her mum.
My own throat was weird on Monday, then the bug struck and I had the worst throat I've had for years; I know I'm a moaner but not being able to eat, drink, yawn or even swallow without being in agony isn't pleasant. Tuesday and Wednesday were very nasty but fortunately Thursday saw me feeling a bit better, thank God. I found myself feeling sorry for Darcie who clearly had caught the bug first, and wondering how the hell she could even contemplate going to school feeling so dreadful. Thursday night she had a melt-down and very obviously wasn't well at all, so we informed her we were taking her to the doctors the next morning, no choice - although of course we had to promise her we'd lie to the school about her being ill, so she could go back in afterwards! It turns out she has got tonsillitis, and if her throat was half as sore as mine then I'm very impressed with how she kept on functioning!
Anyway while I was waiting with Darcie at the surgery yesterday a woman came in with a little baby girl. I often think back to my own daughters baby days, and how mainly happy they are in my memory. Of course I've probably mainly erased the bad bits, and time has a habit of making you forget how hard things really were (labour painful? nah, eating watermelon hurts more, I'm sure!) but I know I enjoyed my baby and the little girl she became. There are times we struggled of course, and she used to drive us mad, but she was so bright, happy, bubbly.......I wonder whatever happened to that little girl sometimes. I see her occasionally, but mainly my daughter is a whiny, screaming, miserable, jealous, unhappy thing and that's awful. I so wish I could turn time back and start again with her, but of course I can't.
So we can't go back, there's no rewind button to press, nor is there a fast-forward one - Darcie would love that, one press and she'd be an instant adult! So what we have is now, and the future. Sometimes I think this will all work out, but most of the time I feel like I've made such a huge mess of everything and there isn't a way of fixing it. If I made a list of my biggest fears, things that I would dread to happen to me personally, up there in the top ten would be, without doubt, this - Darcie as an adult turning around to me and saying something like "You wrecked my childhood, I was utterly miserable, and as a result I'm desperately unhappy now. I hate you and I never want to see you again." followed by knowing she meant those words, and turning and disappearing from my life. I don't know what to do with Darcie most of the time, I don't understand her and dare I say it, I sometimes don't even like her, but not having her in my life for ever is something I can't even contemplate. She's a part of me.
Finally, the school report came home yesterday......more worry. I know she's bright, we've been told shes bright, so she has to be, surely. But now Darcie has virtually been branded as non-academic - she shines at art and IT but not at the more "academic" stuff. Sure, I hated maths with a passion and was useless at it, even some science stuff I never grasped but I could do English whereas she can't seem to do much at all. French is apparently the only "academic" thing she's got any real ability in, I found her report very depressing. Darcie isn't officially below average in anything, which is terrific I suppose, but she clearly isn't down as a clever one. I know most parents think their darlings are clever; I've always known Darcie isn't a genius, nor would I want her to be one especially. I thought she was bright, brighter than this - not top of the class but to be put down as "non-academic" which seems to be the general message? I know she's only 8 and has years and years of school ahead of her yet, but I want her to make something of herself. The way she's going, another one of my fears is that she'll be a nothing, pregnant at 17 and dragging three miserable moaning kids around town by the time she's 25. I know lots of teenage mums bring up wonderful children, and there's nothing wrong with having kids young (I did that myself I suppose) but I want my girl to have a career first. I want her to be someone, make a difference, no matter how small, have a house, car, holidays, money in the bank....and then have kids if she likes. I realise to get a good job Darcie will have to be bright, work fairly hard, push herself and have determination, it seems like right now she's not ticking any of those boxes. I know I need to push her, but how on earth do I do that when she won't let me near her physically or emotionally?
It's like Darcie is a building of some kind, and shes built a solid, electric fence around herself. The gate is nearly always open for her dad, he can go in and normally Harv can too. But when I approach that cold metal gate, it clangs too with such force that the ground almost shakes. There's nothing I can do to open it, I can't push it open, guess the code to open the gate - even shaking it makes no difference. I'm not allowed in there, that's final. But the mystery is why not?
This is sounding stupid now, so I'll go!
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