Hello

Hello and welcome to my life! I'm not sure exactly why I'm writing this or if I want anyone to actually read it, but I think having a blog is kind of cool. I decided that things are going to change in 2010 and it's going to be a positive year, but so far not much has changed really. I do have plans, but making them happen is always the hard bit, maybe writing it all down will help and encourage me! I've started several blogs over the years and then abandoned them, hopefully this will be the one that survives.

I think the main things I'll write about will be my kids, they take over everything! This time of year always makes me think a bit, it was this week 9 years ago when I discovered something which changed everything forever for me. I know that sounds dramatic, but it was, I found I was pregnant with our daughter Darcie. I can honestly say that nothing has ever shocked me as much as that positive pregnancy test did, I don't think I'll ever have a bigger shock!

I know thousands of people every year get pregnant by accident, so it's no big deal really, but it was for us. I always knew I wanted kids eventually, at some point, way in the future, and I'd have a job, house, money...everything would be happen as I wanted it to. But life has a habit of chucking things at people when they least expect it, and this was chucked at us. I was 21, my partner Simon was just 24, he was approaching the end of his degree course and I was doing an English degree. I had a false start, basically I chose/was pushed into the wrong course to begin with and it took me a while to admit to myself that it wasn't what I wanted. I got onto the course I'd always wanted to do in the end though, and was enjoying it, and then my whole life was turned upside down.

People find themselves pregnant and in much worse situations, but it was a nightmare for us. We had very little money, were living in separate student accommodation, were at uni....and basically weren't ready for a baby in any way. It all seemed so completely unbelievable, and I'll be honest and admit that abortion was a very real option for us for some time. I'll be honest again and say that we do sometimes wonder how different our lives would be if we had gone down that path. No matter how hard things are and how much she infuriates me, I can put my hand on my heart and say for once we absolutely made the right choice though.

That year, 2001, was most probably the hardest of my life, we started it as a young couple with no real worries or responsibilities and ended it as parents of a three month old. We came to terms with my pregnancy, considered our options, made a decision, then coped with months of me chucking up everywhere! Simon managed to graduate, get a job, and on 11th September 2001, a memorable day across the world for all the wrong reasons, we found out we'd got our first home. Moving on a tight budget while eight and a half months pregnant was an experience, but I can laugh about it now! We had to break the news to our families, and I'll always know that I let my parents down to a point which is a hard thing to live with. Suddenly being told that your daughter is six and a half months pregnant while trying to enjoy your starters in a crowded restaurant is a slightly unusual situation to be in, but they coped fairly well even if my mum went red and my dad turned a worrying shade of grey! I'll never forget the looks on their faces, but the champagne my dazed father ordered helped with the shock I think. I still have the cork!

We were lucky to get support from both families, support which still continues today. I think it's true that you always need your parents, and I felt much better when I finally stopped hiding my pregnancy from my mum and dad! I still can't believe they genuinely never realised, although living seventy miles away and not seeing them every day made my secret easier to keep I think. My mum especially had hopes for me and I'll always feel guilty for not living up to her expectations, but life doesn't always work out the way you expect.

We really thought we'd dealt with all the hard stuff as my due date arrived, but the greatest challenge of our lives was just about to begin! We were told the baby was big, but nobody actually gave us an estimated weight or went through our options with us. I had a scan on 12th September, and was informed that I was booked in for induction on my due date, eleven days later, due to the baby's size. We were naive and didn't question what we'd been told, these days I know so much more about labour and wouldn't have agreed to be induced then.

We duly turned up at hospital, 9am on 23rd September 2001, all nervous and excited. Simon & I were in fact quite glad to be getting a break from organising our new home and moving the last bits in, and genuinely believed that we might well be parents by that evening, or the following morning. I knew labour would be painful, but told myself that everyone must be exaggerating - how bad could it be? We spent the next three whole days being mainly ignored and insulted, for some reason most of the midwives assumed we'd insisted on the induction for no real reason! Darcie was in no rush to come out, and I'll never forget pacing up and down those bleak hospital corridors, and hanging around either on the ward or in the cafe, just waiting for something to happen. We had a bit of fun, but couldn't believe how long the whole process was taking, it was like a nightmare. It couldn't have been much fun for our families either, anxiously waiting for news for days on end!

Finally, Wednesday 26th September arrived & it turned out to be the day our daughter would be born. The midwives must have got sick of us, because suddenly we were whisked up to the labour ward, my waters were broken and then I was stuck on a drip to start the contractions. Pure hell is the most accurate way of describing the next eight hours, but that doesn't really do it justice - I have never experienced pain like it. I honestly thought I was going to die at one point, there was just no relief and as a final insult I couldn't even have an epidural as the anaesthetist was in theatre! The memories of that day will stay with me forever, and it took me a long time to recover mentally from it. I survived though, and at 5.52pm Darcie came into the world. I'd been so sure all along that we were having a boy, I'll never forget the complete shock of realising that our baby had no willy!

Life changed for us forever in that dark delivery room that Wednesday teatime, we were parents. Simon went off to phone our parents and break the news that finally, finally I'd popped, and the midwife and student also vanished. I remember lying on the bed clutching Darcie, unable to move because there was nowhere to put her down, and thinking "Oh my God....what the hell do I do now......!" It was just so surreal, of course we'd known for months that we were going to have a baby, but a tiny bit of me thought it still could be some sort of joke!

Anyway, that's the beginning, how it all started really. So much has happened over the past 9 years, and I sometimes wonder how that positive pregnancy test turned into the eight year old I have now! I don't know what the purpose of this blog will be, but who knows, maybe one day my daughter will read it herself. Maybe her children will also read it, you never know!

I'll finish my first post with a couple of photos of my baby girl, one of her in hospital the morning after she was born, and another when she was just a few weeks old, it's one I've always liked.