On our own.

For once it isn't really late at night and I'm not half asleep! Also not having the usual school uniform panic, because my darling children are currently at school dressed in completely clean uniforms which their loving mother washed and laid out for them this morning. OK, so I may have been frantically chucking things into the tumble drier at 7.45am, but I'm sitting here all smugly thinking what a classic example of perfect mother I am. If only being a perfect mum meant just ensuring your kids have clean clothes!

I meant to post last night but after watching "One Born Every Minute" (by myself as Simon can't face it, bizarrely he was fine-ish during both my labours although I vaguely remember him threatening to pass out just before Harvey made an appearance, the poor guy had been through a lot) I collapsed in a smug heap, I can't be the only person who cackles with delight when they show a poor unsuspecting woman arriving at hospital "ha ha" I mutter to myself "you're about to endure the most excruciatingly painful, embarrassing, frustrating, traumatising thing of your life and I've done it already, ha ha!" I'm truly evil, great programme though.

So last time I described how Carole the Midget decided that as Darcie doesn't want to read her school book to me, the poor little love doesn't have to. After literally years of fighting, she's got her own way and now I'm excluded from that part of her life. The good news is that recently Darcie has made real progress with her reading, which is ultimately what I want, she and Simon have got through at least four books in the last couple of weeks. I was even permitted to sit on the computer chair and listen to her reading the other day, of course Simon had to sit next to her on the sofa, never taking his eyes off her just in case I suddenly lunged forward and attacked her as I have a habit of doing. Carole suggested that Darcie & I do ten minutes of drawing together each evening, at a time convenient to Darcie of course, and provided she wanted to. Of course she doesn't want to.....each time I suggested it the screaming, accusations, jumping up and down and generally being peculiar started. As always, when I'm excluded from something and she has her own way, Darcie's fine, but the second I ask her to do something the attitude kicks in.

I managed to draw with her a few times, enduring at least fifteen minutes of screaming first, and letting Darcie set out the paper and inform me which pen I was allowed to use. Carole had arranged to come over again last Monday which was coincidentally a teacher training day for both schools, fairly unusual to have them both off on the same day but obviously beyond our control. My mum was also due to come over to take the kids out for lunch and then buy them new school shoes (despite complaining about my mother I was truly grateful for her generous offer, as I have recently forked out for new trainers for them both and was dreading having to find another £60 for school shoes) When I mentioned that my mum was coming over that day, Carole rolled her eyes and said that she couldn't switch the appointment really, which I wasn't asking her to do. She pencilled us in for 11.30am and I arranged for my mum to arrive after 12.30; after spending all weekend and some of Sunday night tidying up we were prepared for the arrival of the Midget and the Mother.

Carole duly arrived, and seemed genuinely surprised and angry to find Harvey at home. We'd explained previously that he had a teacher training day as well, but she pointed out that the purpose of her visit was to introduce Darcie and I to the wonders of Theraplay and the males weren't included. Before she arrived, Simon had explained to Harvey that they'd be watching a DVD together in our bedroom while Darcie and I did mysterious things in the front room for a little while. As Carole arrived, I desperately attempted to get Harvey to chose something to watch; "come on, what DVD do you want on?" I asked him - Carole shot an icy glare at me and snapped "we're not going to watch a DVD!" um.....no, I didn't think you'd come over to watch "Grandpa in my pocket" love, I was talking to my son!

So Harvey was dispatched to the bedroom with his beloved DVD, daddy to torment plus a drink and tictacs which his loving mummy had set out for him. I made Carole a mug of poisoned coffee (not really poisoned, that was just my fantasy) and she insisted I close the front room door to give us even more privacy. I was starting to feel apprehensive which only worsened when she produced a large pot of bubble mixture from her paper bag and informed us that the Theraplay was about to commence and that we'd love it. The first stage involved Carole blowing bubbles and telling Darcie and I which part of our bodies to burst them with - she called out "Elbows!", "Noses" and "Big Toes!" while we frantically attempted to follow her commands. In a weird way it was fun, Darcie laughed which was a positive sign, but I think her laughter was more directed at me than with me. Next Darcie was dispatched to find a shiny scarf and Carole produced a tiny pom-pom - the two of us had to crouch on the floor, stretching the scarf out and blowing the impossibly tiny pom pom across the scarf to each other. Other hideous games followed, including blowing feathers off pillows when we said certain words, one of us guessing which animal the other was pretending to be, and each putting one end of the same strawberry lace into our mouths and nibbling until our mouths met and we were forced to kiss. Carole sipped her coffee and watched wisely, saying "wonderful girls! you two are playing really nicely together! one more turn and then that's it...." generally making me feel like a six-year-old playing with my older sister while our mum watched. Of course Darcie did everything wonderfully and had to help silly mummy, I still insist my impression of a monkey was fantastic and they were only pretending not to know what animal I was.

It was embarrassing, it was ridiculous but I survived somehow and finally we reached the final stage. This involved Darcie fetching a blanket and book, while Carole supplied her with a drink and packet of fun sized biscuits for doing so well. Naturally I didn't earn a reward although I was sorely tempted to produce a bottle of wine and swig from it. We had to curl up together under the blanket on the sofa while I read Darcie the book all about Vikings she'd chosen. I was so utterly relieved that the torture appeared to be ending that I read the book enthusiastically while Darcie and Carole listened. When asked if she liked me reading to her, Darcie nodded happily and Carole said "now, did you ever read Darcie a story when she was little?" Now, I remember reading books when my daughter was a tiny baby, I spent literally an hour each evening crouched uncomfortably next to her toddler bed reading the same mind numbingly dull books again and again and again. I read to her most nights right up until she was 5 or 6 and she refused point blank to let me, I still have nightmares involving Topsy and Tim, yes Carole, I did read to my child. I tried explaining this, but she looked at me with disbelief in her eyes and explained how important reading together is, and how much Darcie enjoyed it. I wanted to shake her and scream "BUT SHE WON'T LET ME READ TO HER OR WITH HER! IT'S NOT THAT I WON'T, IT'S THAT SHE REFUSES TO LET ME YOU STUPID WOMAN!" but that wouldn't have done any good, clearly Carole had decided that poor little Darcie had never been read to as a little child. She went on about how well Darcie had done, and how obvious it was that she adored playing with her mum. "all she needs is a bit of time with you, without Harvey. Try giving her a little bit of attention sometimes, not just Harvey. She's a wonderful child." I don't often get the urge to slap grown women, but I did at that point. Darcie ran around, tidying up the front room, carrying the cups back into the kitchen and offering Carole a food bag to put her leaking pot of bubble mixture into. "You're so switched on Darcie, so clever and so considerate, it's wonderful how well you tidy up for mum." Granted, my daughter was helping without being asked, so I thanked her as well, but she never, ever does this normally. The mere idea of carrying a cup back into the kitchen sends her into a frenzy, and she wouldn't ordinarily help me out. While Darcie was putting her book away in her room, Carole whispered to me "we haven't got any real problems here, she's fine." I forced a smile and replied that Darcie would refuse to do any of the Theraplay things on our own. Carole looked genuinely shocked and said "no, you have to think positively Claire, I'm sure she will. But if she doesn't want to, that's fine, it's all up to her." As she got ready to leave, she picked up the half-eaten packet of biscuits and said sternly "now, these are for DARCIE, not for HARVEY, do you understand?" as if she sensed I was about to rush into the bedroom and give them to him the second she left. I saw Carole out, resisting the strong urge to push her downstairs, and slammed the front door as loudly as I dared.

I get what this Theraplay stuff is all about, it's about me re-connecting with my daughter and spending some time with her. Part of me enjoyed doing the things with her, actually sharing something without all the aggression and tears. We had a laugh, but at one point, while I was looking into Darcie's eyes, I realised with a jolt that all I could see was contempt. She actually has lovely eyes, kind of grey/blue and I wish I'd seen something else there. Vague amusement and pure contempt, it sound nasty but that's what I saw.

The thing which is frustrating the hell out of Simon & I is that it was all an act. Darcie is extremely good at convincing people of things, and I was impressed at the act she put on for Carole. It might not have been intentional, she probably didn't plan it, but she came across as a kind, considerate little girl who genuinely loved playing the little games with me. She was lovely to me, not even a hint of the unpleasantness she normally fires at me constantly. Of course kids will always be on their best behaviour for other people, I remember other mums saying how sweet and quiet I was, while my mum laughed bitterly and said "if only." I'm proud that Darcie can behave well for other people, I'm never worried about her showing me up when she goes to her friends houses which is fantastic. However, I just wish that Carole had seen the real Darcie, just for a few minutes, just a little bit.

We're now left feeling totally alone. Carole clearly thinks that we're over-reacting, terrible parents who are attempting to get Darcie diagnosed with something just to cover our mistakes. It's so frustrating I could scream, as I said, Carole thinks I don't want to things with my daughter, when in reality she doesn't want to do them with me. Darcie has somehow convinced her that she loves spending time with her mum, but I only like playing with Harvey. So many people seem to think that we devote all our time to him, leaving Darcie alone and sad, which has resulted in her screaming just to get a bit of attention. Carole reckons this Theraplay is a miraculous cure which will turn the whole situation around; Darcie isn't at fault, she's just an innocent child who has been rejected by her mum. Once Evil Mummy accepts that Darcie just wants some of her time and attention, everything will calm down and we'll all live happily ever after. Carole sees a happy, calm child who sits smiling next to her mum, listening to the story and enjoying just having a bit of attention for once. What she doesn't see is the child who refuses to wash herself down in the bath, and when her mum walks into the room splashes water at her, screaming "someone, please, help me! she's going to hold me under the water again, daddy please save me! she's going to drown me!" while the neighbours listen and consequently shoot evil looks at the mother and ignore her because they think she's beating her kid up.

I seriously feel like I'm reaching breaking point with this whole situation. Nobody is ever going to listen to us, or understand or help us. We're truly on our own, and I don't know what the hell to do.

More later.....