It's 1pm on Sunday, and this weekend ranks as one of the toughest in my parenting history. Darcie has been in full blown psycho mode all yesterday and all today, I realise that most people secretly suspect we exaggerate when we talk about her behaviour, but honestly she is demented. I'm not going to rant on and on, as to be honest I feel shattered physically and mentally (despite spending ten hours in bed last night) and haven't got the strength. Darcie was OK on Friday night, mainly because we didn't come straight home from school, instead going to the park with my friend Jo and her two kids. The more time she spends outside the better she is, although this rule doesn't always apply and the moods often happen when we're out too.
Yesterday morning Darcie kicked off big time, and she hasn't stopped since. I've been screamed at, slapped, hit, accused of random things and told I can't go in various rooms. A good example of how peculiar Darcie is and frankly how disturbing her behaviour is - a few days ago, Simon had the audacity to go out by himself, a crime punishable by death. Being left with her mother is apparently such a cruel, unfair and torturous thing that Darcie saw red and started screeching. I was using the computer, attempting to do what Simon repeatedly instructs me to do and which I often fail at - ignoring her. She asked me where daddy was, I told her calmly several times, receiving the usual "why has he gone to Asda? I know, it's because he hates me and wants me to die." response, duly ignored. Suddenly Darcie said the following "OK, come on, where have you hidden the body this time? I know you've murdered him. You murder people, hide the bodies and then the police turn up. You lie and say you don't know where the bodies are. You're always doing this, you're evil. Pure evil." For once, I was genuinely too stunned to speak.
Now, I would like to categorically state here that I have never murdered anyone, hidden the body and then lied to the police. Sure, I have a list of people who I would love to murder but I'm not that horrible and anyway, I'm not clever enough to hide the body and then successfully lie to the police and convince them I'm innocent. I was genuinely disturbed by Darcie's accusations, what the hell goes through her mind? Does she honestly think I do this? Oh and then she went on to accuse me of being the person who killed (if she was killed) Madeleine McCann. Now the thought of a child free holiday in Portugal sounds fantastic, but as I pointed out to Darcie, I would have found better things to do there than murder an innocent child!
This isn't the first time Darcie has accused me of being a killer, just the other day she stated that I am a murdering robot, and I'm regularly accused of slaughtering her father who miraculously comes back to life. (maybe he's actually Jesus in disguise, thinking about it they have similar hair styles, hmmm......) The kid has a death fixation, granted it's a confusing yet fascinating subject for most people, and incredibly hard for children to understand, but......I resent being accused of being a serial killer. A few months ago, Darcie randomly accused me of hating twins in her school, who I genuinely didn't realised existed. She said that I'm secretly planning on killing one of them, and that nobody would know because they're apparently identical and one would still be there. I kind of follow her logic in an abstract way, but she's wrong of course - people would realise that only one twin was at school, and I assume their parents would notice that rather than having two children, they only had one. We reckon that Darcie fantasises about killing people, and then accuses me of wanting to do it, such a frightening thought. Hopefully eventually she'll mature and stop these crazy thoughts, but if she thinks these things as a 9 year old, what the hell impulses will she feel as an adult? Is she going to lose the plot one day and end up killing someone? Is she going to go to the police and say I've murdered someone and hidden the body? Honestly, it's both ridiculous and terrifying.
Yesterday Darcie screeched at me to "go away forever, just die!" fair enough we all say things in temper, but sometimes the truth comes out when we're angry. She's obsessed with screaming "go away! go away!" at the moment whenever I walk into a room she's in, and things like "you've lived here long enough, now go!" whilst pointing to the door. I wasn't an angel child, but never in a million years would I have spoken to either of my parents like that. I remember being maybe five or six and my mum struggling to get my shoes on before we went out for a meal. I was obviously in an awkward mood and she snapped and said "I've had enough of you today." I clearly recall saying "I've had enough of you too." and the silence which followed, the kind of silence which makes you hold your breath as you know you've gone too far and something bad is going to happen. My mum chucked my shoes (black patent, all the rage in about 1985) on the floor and stalked out of the room. I dissolved into tears as I knew I'd done wrong, and was regretting it. Mum promptly told my dad who lost his temper and informed me that the meal was cancelled and we'd have beans on toast for lunch instead! Of course we did go but that event stuck in my mind forever, I realised that I'd been rude, and although I wasn't the perfect child, I apologised and promised not to say that again. To my credit, I have never, ever told my mum I've had enough of her since then, although I admit to sometimes thinking it!
Darcie will probably never remember an incident like that though, because she behaves like that to me pretty much constantly. That would be mild for her, and we wouldn't think much of it because she's rude and nasty to us most of the time. I would never have dreamed of telling my mum to leave, or accusing her of being a serial killer, but that's what I get hurled at me most days. Gradually Simon & I have come to the conclusion that Darcie resents me because, quite simply, she wants to be me. She wants to drive me away so that she can be Mummy, which is crazy - I've never come across a child so insanely resentful and competitive towards their own mother.
I'm afraid that I haven't dealt with Darcie well at all this weekend. I lost the plot majorly when she locked herself in the bathroom yesterday lunchtime and refused to open the door, apparently she is going to report my wicked behaviour to my own mum so that I can be duly reprimanded. I've said some awful things to Darcie this weekend, things my mum never said to me and things which I never imagined saying to my own child. In my defence though, being blindly hated by a child you've brought into the world and sacrificed a lot for is incredibly hurtful. I often think that nobody on this planet is capable of hurting me as much as Darcie is, and realise that she's fully aware of this.
This was meant to be about my little boy Harvey and his adventures (or rather mis adventures) now he's a big school boy. I have concerns and worries which I will write about, also a decision (well half decision really at the moment) which I've made but now isn't really the time. Darcie wants her lunch, I'm reluctant to feed her but suppose I can't let her go hungry! Then we're off to the park, where she'll stomp around, glare at me, accuse me of cruelty because I won't fork out for ice creams, and then refuse to leave, informing me as she did last week that I can go away and she'll only go home in her own time. Oh, how tempted I was to leave her behind last Sunday, the only thing which prevented me for doing so was the little voice somewhere deep down that reminded me that despite everything, I really do love her.
God, you are a saint! I would never have said half the things that she says to you to my rents and indeed still wouldn't. I don't know how you do it, you should be very proud of yourself, I think maybe you should give yourself a little more credit than you do at how well you cope with her blatant crazy doom. I can't imagine how scarey it must be for you too, I totally see where you're coming from with your "if she thinks like this at 9 years old what will she be like as an adult" type thinking, as by bod! that's a terifying thought! However, I suppose you've just got to hold out hope that she will indeed grow out of it and stop being quite so hurtfully mental as time goes on. I'm sure she loves you, impossible not to, every post you put on here shows how devoted you are to your tots and to simon. You are a very strong lady and I think you're wonderful!
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